A MUM has left social media users divided after revealing that her husband won’t agree to her wishes not to extend her life should she develop a debilitating illness.
The anonymous mum explained that she had been watching a Ted Talk with her husband when the conversation of death arose.
Despite being in her fifties and in good health, the mum-of-two made mention of her mother-in-law who suffers from a variety of conditions such as Parkinson’s disease, dementia and osteoporosis.
She added that her husband and his family offer round-the-clock care and attention, but that she did not believe that her mother-in-law had a desirable or good quality of life.
Taking all these factors onboard, the woman disclosed to her husband that she did not wish to extend her life should she develop similar conditions.
However, after her declaration, her husband allegedly outright refused to agree to her decision, claiming that it goes against his principles and that she would change her mind.
Now concerned for her future self, she is determined to seek paperwork to ensure her wishes are carried out in the case of a detrimental condition.
She added that she believes in the importance of creating a life plan while being of sound mind and able to make such decisions.
She argued that a life-changing condition at an older age could affect the ability to be conscious of the full brevity of the situation.
She wrote in her post today: “So, all this is theoretical as (touch wood) I’m in my 50s and in good health.
“I haven’t completely researched this yet but I am very keen not to have my life extended if I descend into either a debilitating and terminal illness or develop dementia, to the extent where I am bedridden, incontinent, unable to communicate and I want to put in place whatever paperwork I can to ensure this.
“Husband is refusing to support me in this and says he would not enact it for two reasons.
“One, we watched a Ted Talk recently which talked about ‘future selves’ and how people genuinely do change their minds about big decisions/beliefs they have, as they age.
“So people that have signed an advanced directive, setting out the circumstances where they wish to be allowed to die, may genuinely change their minds about this as they get older.
“I agree with this to an extent but I don’t think a decision made when in full control of one’s faculties (i.e now) should necessarily overrule a change of heart that might theoretically come once the person has lost the capacity to make a decision.
“Husband has taken it totally at face value though, probably connected to the second reason. Two, his mum is currently in a nursing home – she has Parkinson’s, dementia and severe osteoporosis.
“She is almost totally immobile, incontinent, cannot speak, communicate or feed herself.
“She basically lies in a chair or lies in a bed, is fed/washed/toileted, and talked at or left in a room with inane cartoons blaring at her.
“Or being jollied along by nurses/carers. Father-in-law visits daily: he has made these visits the sole focus of his life, his duty/responsibility and expects everyone else to think the same way.
“If he can’t make it, he insists that sister-in-law (who already visits 2-3 times a week) take his place and he calls her every night to ‘update’ her on her mother’s (unchanging) condition, which she finds very hard.
“Husband (because we live abroad), gets roped into weekly Zoom calls where he basically talks to his dad and sister while his mum sleeps through the whole thing or makes random mumbled comments.
“Yet, because she is cared for she might live in this half-existence for years and years to come.
“I have absolutely zero desire to live like this or for him and our two [sons] to end up caring for me or binding their daily lives to me, or feeling guilty because they don’t.
“But my husband takes it as a great insult when I say this, as if I’m suggesting his mum would be better off dead and that they (father-in-law and sister-in-law in particular) are stupid for making her so much the focus of their lives.
“My experience of mother-in-law’s situation is that the spouse generally gets asked what the patient’s wishes are and I don’t know if medical staff would go actively against the wishes of a spouse.
“Even if they didn’t match what the patient has written down previously. What do you think?
“Am I being unreasonable to expect my husband to enact my stated wishes, even if they don’t accord with his beliefs?”
The mum received a slew of comments in support of her wishes, but many were left hesitant over her demands and their timing considering her husband’s situation.
One person wrote: “I think he should try to follow your wishes but I also think medical staff should and will listen to him, not what you have written down years earlier.
“But why are you thinking so hard about it, when you are only in your 50s and in good health?”
Another said: “To get him on board you could discuss writing an advanced directive that’s valid for, say five years, so you have to rewrite it every five years.
“Then he can’t use the ‘you’ll have changed your mind’ argument.
“But also, you can give a close friend, other family or your children your medical power of attorney and add a statement as to why you are doing this into the document before they sign it.
“Then they would get the actual say, I think; you could check with a lawyer if you wanted.
“I have my husband as medical power of attorney in the event I’m not capable and then if he’s not available/capable (I forget the exact set up) three family members.”
A third commented: “Not unreasonable but neither is he if he simply doesn’t feel capable of doing this.”
A fourth added: “I really don’t think it’s an appropriate topic of conversation when his mother is in a nursing home in the condition she’s in.
“I think you need to be a bit more sensitive to what he’s going through and park it completely for now.
“I also think you’re being a little naive about end-of-life care and the reality of long-term, debilitating illnesses like dementia.
“Of course, the vast majority of us don’t want to end up like your mother-in-law but realistically what choices do you think people actually have when it comes to this kind of thing?
“Unless you’re in hospital on life support, or your heart stops during surgery and you’ve requested a ‘do not resuscitate’ – doctors can’t just end your life for you.
“It’s not how it works.”
A fifth wrote: “You’re not going to be in the same kind of state his mother is, in the next five years. Let him deal with that before making things about you.”
